sad time

i feel the need to blog my emotion. we lost cracker today. she was a beautiful dog whom we loved dearly. ive run out of tears until i see her pic again...
she had a stroke and could not use her back legs and went blind...it was a matter of bringing her home and dopin her up but she wouldnt have lasted long. that would have been selfish of us...
my beloved, well that was his puppy...
but i was mamas mama...
cracker with your fabulous underbite and happy go lucky hip wagging say hello to heaven...you are dearly missed...and never to be forgotten...

break me down if it makes you feel right..

well i have come to the realization(yet again) that no one is ever going to be so adamant about oneself but oneself. getting some hopes up for something i have not done in forever...but i dont care...im not stopping now...still searching for work...but i have faith something will come for one of us soon...
being that, it seems i am only writing to myself(again) i will write articles in mass production..send them wherever or whoever has an editor...whether they wipe their bums with it later, thats up to them..
what is up to me is focusing on my house, my family, and keeping myself sane...
due to my seizure history i do have to take meds...but i dont want to for the rest of my life..but sometimes(more than not)others numb out this crazy mess i have going on in the filing cabinets in my head...
cant i just hit delete somewhere...no, i take that back...seizures did enough deletion...
not going to be in a funk...i cant allow it...i have kids who depend on mommie...
and i am their rock, and i dont want to end up just being a pile of sand to them...
starting to feel the bad dissipate...or at least stop stressing out over the littlist of things...i have made peace that i will never have a maid...i have to be one for the next at least 15 years or so...am going back to skool...maybe i will learn to writes good...
im not sorry about being 35, having two children, being married, loving to write about music, tattoos and piercings...i am sorry that i let people bring me down..
no sir or ma'am cant have it..wow it took 9 months out of this year to figure that out...i couldve birthed another one..or 2 by now...no worries...snipped, burned or whatever the hell they do to your tubes nowadays...
i should return to writing a blog but then i really dont want to refer promo people to a lot of nothing, then an article, blah blah, article..you know..
but such is life...this is helsmusic...these words make music in my head...there
:)

four twenty

good morning, well almost afternoon at this point....dropped off mailu at skool and came back home...didnt expect to nap, but that is what ended up happening...today chuck is taking my first batch o babies which include my squashes, peppers and basil to the land today...im going to miss my babies...chuck had to be negative and say they may not grow cos you waited too long...dont be mr. negative around the babies, they sense it...and i have become quite fond of them...hold up, biscuits are beeping... brb

ok, they are done, when chuck gets back in, before he leaves, he is going to make some brefus...yes brefus...at noon, no less...peanut is enjoying the little baby puffs i keep giving him..they are quite good...mai & i always eat some right along with him...i tried putting one in his hand and he just looked at it, and HE THREW IT ON THE GROUND!!!

well i just sit here until brefus is ready...hopefully in that time the UPS guy comes and brings me my new phone...i bitched enough to sprint about my blackberry...dont get me wrong, i will miss her...but in my house, she is horrid!! i drop calls, no one ever hears me cos its like-hey ow r you? wha is goi on?-that is being nice...but now they are going to send me a palm centro or something...im sure it is pretty and high teck and all that, but to relearn and reprogram it so it is to my taste is quite time consuming...i think ill just wait til mai's praktice tonight..that is, if it arrives today...that way mai wont be on top of me watching...she has a big tendency to watch me as i use the puter...this girl has every electronic thing that amuses kids you can imagine...i will break it down for you:

*nintendo ds(the new one with the camera, and Internet if available)(which with my wireless conn, now it is)but she has yet to figure that out

*cell phone

*psp

*mp3 player

and a tv,dvd, conv box and a bumload of dvds that she is tired of, but i told her to take care of them so we can sell them at tre, but she didnt listen...if she wants new movies or games she has to figure out how to save her flow...

so yeah, my child has way too many electronics, she has way too many stuffed animals, and just way too much crap...yes she has the second floor, but it was an attic so its not that roomy...

i have begun reading a book about clutter free your life and home...some things are more than obvious...but i dig the natural cleaning tips with stuff you have around the house...that is always a great thing...apparently baking soda and vinegar are best friends...and they are happy to be together..and i must concur...so i am making mai do some things from there...baby steps people..i know she is spoiled and i blame myself for letting it get that way...i do want to go upstairs and bag those animals and give them to goodwill, but some do have sentimental value and i dont want her to hurt over losing someone like charley(her stuffed dog, she has had since she was 1, and puppy who is also old)but i know most of the important cast of characters, so maybe one day ill grow some...yeah i have to grow some to take on that little girl..i have given her that opportunity to be part of a team now, and our next door neighbor has a daughter who is like her best friend now...so since holly is older(just turned 14)maybe she will have some influence on her too...i dunno...she has been more helpful though...i do have a list she gets everyday...i write down all the stuff i have to get done and split the list...she spends all her time with peanut and that is a grand help, but i am not her or anyone elses maid...

what else can i share today? oh, besides being sore from the lithotripsy(which can last three weeks) i am sooo fine...sooooo fine...its a blessing...i even had to call my docs office and had the nurse tell my doc thank you and that procedure was nothing in comparison to the nightmare i lived with the first one..which is a really big difference...God is great no doubt...maybe the begging and pleading in my prayers may have been a tad much but it was heard...

i had no clue that i was going to end up writing so much..i am thinking of starting another blog or changing this one to more garden related...so you all can be amazed by my green thumb, and not just on farmville...lol

much obliged for stopping in...hope i entertained for a smidge...have a good one...